What a Rip-off!

I lost my phone today. I guess it must have fallen out of my backpack on the train to San Francisco on my way to work. I just filled out my lost equipment form, and I noticed that the exclusions on my insurance are a little strange.

II. EXCLUSIONS We will not pay for “Loss” caused directly or indirectly by any of the following, and such “Loss” is excluded regardless of any other cause or event that contributes concurrently or in any sequence to the “Loss”:
First we'll start with Q, which is the most straightforward:

Q. “Loss” due to normal wear and tear, gradual deterioration, inherent vice or latent defect.

Makes sense. Moving on.

A. Nuclear Hazard, meaning any weapon employing atomic fission or fusion; or nuclear reaction or radiation or radioactive contamination from any other cause. But we will pay for direct physical “Loss” caused by resulting fire if the fire would be covered under this “Coverage Certificate”.

Okay. They won't cover my phone if I blow it up with a nuclear weapon, but if it catches fire after being exploded by a fission (or fusion) nuclear bomb, then it might be covered. Something tells me that if I'm close enough to a nuclear explosion to catch fire, my cell phone will be the least of my considerable worries.

B. War, including undeclared or civil war; warlike action by a military force, including action in hindering or defending against an actual or expected attack, by any government, sovereign or other authority using military personnel or other agents; or insurrection, rebellions, revolution, usurped power of action taken by government authority in hindering or defending against any of these.

Do they know something I dont?

C. Governmental Action, meaning seizure or destruction of property by order of governmental authority including economic and trade sanctions as provided under
applicable law and U.S. Treasury Department guidelines.

Apparently the current administration mandates a new kind of insurance: "NSA Coverage".

D. Indirect Loss, meaning any delay, loss of market, loss of use or any other
consequential loss, interruption of business or inconvenience; an increase of “Loss” caused by or resulting from the delay in replacing “Covered Property” due to interference at the location of replacement by strikers, other persons or any other cause of loss.

Ah, yes. The famous "Teamsters" clause.

E. “Loss” due to acts caused by or resulting from rodents, insects, vermin, or
other wild animals.

The now-famous Courtney Love clause.

F. “Loss” due to the intentional parting of “Covered Property” by you or anyone entrusted with the property.

What?!? I don't have "I gave my phone to my friend because he didn't have one" insurance?!?

J. “Loss” resulting from faulty repair, adjusting, installation, servicing, or maintenance unless fire or explosion ensues and then only for “Loss” by ensuing
fire or explosion.

No coverage if the repairman damages it, unless it explodes. Check.

K. The discharge, dispersal, seepage, migration, release or escape of “Pollutants”.

The "Cabbage and Broccoli" clause (a.k.a. the "OMFG I just sharted" clause).

N. Use of the “Covered Property” in a manner for which it was not designed or
intended by the manufacturer, or failure to follow the manufacturer’s installation, operation or maintenance instructions.

From here on referred to as the "Body Orifice" clause.

P. “Loss” or damage to batteries (unless covered as “Accessories” as part
of a “Loss” to the “Covered Property”); personalized data, or customized
software, such as personal information managers (PIM's), ring tones, games,
or screen savers; or to “Loss” or damage to antennas, external housings or
casings that does not affect the mechanical or electrical function of the
“Covered Property”.

And finally, the "Flying Toaster" clause. (more geek points for that one)